|As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved
into the small home on her husband's ranch near Sonoita. She put a
shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to
touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until
Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their
affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold
something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500
in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she
explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my
frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was
very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the
money I made selling the doilies."
|A young cowpoke and
his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his
father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall
light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the
reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24
year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
|A man was invited
for dinner at Rancher Jim's house out in the country. He was in
awe to see that every time Jim spoke to his wife, he started by
calling her 'My Love', 'Darling', or 'Sweetheart'.
The man looked at Rancher Jim and said,
'That's really nice after all of these years you've been married
to keep calling her those little pet names.'
To which Jim replied, 'Well, to be honest,
I've forgotten her name.'
|In a small town, the
ranchers of the community had gotten together to discuss a land
swap with a big mining company. About midway through the meeting,
a wife of one of the ranchers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the mining representatives stood up
and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to
ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied,
"Take off your shoes sir, and count them yourself!"
|An Arizona cowboy
had taken a couple of city feller speculators out to look at some
land. The buckboard was rolling along a ridge when a rattler
suddenly spooked the horses who began to run wildly. The
cowboy (who hated wagons anyhow) fought to control the horses and
managed to pull them up just as they approached a
cliff. Unfortunately, the wagon hit a rock and bounced
the cowboy and the speculators out over the horses and over the
cliff. The cowboy had presence of mind to hang onto a rein,
and was dangling over the edge. Each of the speculators
managed to grab rein on their way over the edge as well. The
combined weight was more than the rein would hold and someone was
going to have to let go, dropping 200 feet to his death. The
two speculators started fighting about who was most important and
who should let go. The cowboy listened for a few seconds
then began to recite his favorite Cowboy poem. He spoke
quietly of how he loved the land, the cows, and ranching and how
he was going to miss it all. The land speculators were both
so moved they applauded.
|Two old Arizona
cowboy friends had scraped enough money together for a
ranch. They bought a few head of cows from their neighbors
but needed a good strong bull. Zeke had family in the east
that he wanted to visit, but he and Keats agreed that he would
stop at a ranch in Texas to buy a bull they'd seen
advertised. Once the sale was completed Zeke would telegraph
Keats and continue on his way. Zeke headed out with their
$200. He got to the ranch and found that it was indeed a
fine bull just like the rancher had advertised. "How
much will ya take for 'im?" "Can't let him go for
less that $250" "All I got is $200, and I have to
telegraph my partner." "Well, if you let me do one
more week of breeding with him, I'll let him go for
$199." "Deal" Zeke paid the rancher and
headed to the telegraph office. "How much for a
telegraph? I need to let my friend know I bought a bull for
our ranch." "90 cent set up and 10 cent a
word." "Okay, set up a telegraph to Keats Wilson
over to Sonoita Arizona." "Fine, what's the
message?" "One word, comfortable." The
telegraph agent looked up a bit confused, "Now, how the
dickens is your friend going to know what that means."
Zeke smiled and explained, "Old Keats, he's a smart man, but
he never learned to read real good. He'll mull over that
word, sounding it out bit by bit....Cum-for-da-bull."
|A visitor to Arizona once asked,
"Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of
|The cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Tucson theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there,
I'm going to have to call the manager.
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the
manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
|3 friends die in a car accident and they
go to an orientation in heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy, a doctor, says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy, a teacher, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children."
The last guy, a grizzled old cowboy, replies, "I would like to hear them say ...
'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"
|I'm a Santa Cruz County attorney, and one
day in divorce court I noticed a laconic cowboy as he took the stand at his hearing.
"You allege there are irreconcilable differences between you and your wife," the
judge said. "Is that true?"
"Yep," came the reply.
"Could you tell the court what they are?" the judge inquired.
There was a moment of silence as the cowboy turned the question over in his head.
"Well, Your Honor," he said finally. "I just don't much like her
The divorce was granted immediately.
|Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher
was getting a new bull.
His three bulls were discussing this pending event.
"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't
be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.
"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing
a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.
Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10
cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"
About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest
bull the three had ever seen.
"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some
help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.
"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He
can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.
Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull
two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"
"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure
he knows that I'M A BULL!"
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